Today a significant change happened within the Church of Jesus Christ.In 2015, a policy was put into place that children with LGBTQ parents were not able to be baptized until they made a personal decision to do so after the age of 18. When this policy was announced I struggled for a brief time. Having a brother who is gay, this policy change hit extremely close to home. This very well co
uld mean that my future niece or nephew would not have the choice to be baptized until the age of 18 due to being in a family of gay parents. As you can imagine...this was extremely difficult for me to understand...but after watching the video of Elder Christofferson (who has a brother of his own who is gay) explaining why this change took place, my heart was softened, I better understood and I was able to move forward with peace and faith. This didn't mean I still wondered why this policy had to be put into place. It also didn't mean I didn't store my questions away for a time when they could be answered...but I found peace in my heart and I was able to continue my journey in this gospel.
Today, this policy was changed. Children of LGBTQ parents are now able to be blessed as infants into the Church of Jesus Christ and they are also able to be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ. LGBTQ members are also not considered "apostate" but instead breaking the law of chastity. This morning my family rejoiced together over this change. What an amazing change to this policy and one I am so grateful for.
But....this change left me with many questions that weighed on my mind and heart. It is hard for me to even articulate and put into words because it is so contrary to everything I have ever believed. I had thoughts creep into my mind, "Does this mean the brethren really don't receive revelation from God?" "I don't believe God would apply a policy that would turn so many individuals against the gospel and tear families apart...just to simply take that policy away 4 years later." "Is the prophet of God truly leading this church or is he making changes that he believes are correct but not necessarily from God?"
These questions TERRIFIED me. It made my question everything I have so fully given too, something I have believed my entire life. Yes, I understand God tests us. Yes, I understand that the brethren are men and not perfect beings. Yes, I understand that we cannot understand everything in this life. Yes, I understand that things like this have happened in the past. Yes, I understand that policy is not the gospel. Trust me, I thought about every circumstance, reasoning and possibility...but yet, my heart was still aching. Why was this policy even put into place to just be taken away so quickly?
As my sweet daughter was playing with her toys next to me, I sat on the floor next to her...in tears...praying...asking Heavenly Father these questions... it was beyond difficult for me to say because I felt in a way I was betraying my Father in Heaven by even asking these questions. Something I held so closely to my heart, the testimony I had of living prophets and apostles, I was now doubting.
After a short, yet extremely difficult prayer...with tears in my eyes, I looked at my daughter and started to list off things I DID believe. I KNOW that God lives. I KNOW that the priesthood power has been restored to the earth today and allows families to be sealed together for eternity. I know that the covenants and promises we make in the temple are real and powerful. I know that the Holy Ghost testifies of truth and that he is my constant companion. I know that the plan of salvation is true and because of that, man and woman are to be married eternally. I know that my Savior lives and that the power of repentance is real.
After I finished listing off things I DID believe, my heart still was aching but I felt better. After putting Evelynn down for a nap, I felt prompted to continue my study from "Come Follow Me." The section I had to study this morning was titled "When seeking greater faith, I must first hold on to the faith I already have." I was in awe. My first thought was, "Heavenly Father truly does love me."
As I studied this section, my heart started to find that peace I once found so many years ago when I struggled with this first policy change. In this section, Elder Holland gave a talk titled "Lord, I believe." This talk pierced my heart.
He speaks about "Even if you just have a desire to believe, let that grow until it becomes a belief." This was my first learning moment. I realized that I had done just this, I had prayed and asked God to help me better understand, to help my faith be strengthened. I learned that I had a simple desire to believe, even though it was extremely difficult to ask, I had a desire to know more and learn more. I learned that I didn't need to feel guilty or I was betraying Heavenly Father by simply asking. Instead, that is what he wanted..he wanted me to turn to him and ask.
He then talks about "Holding the ground you've already won. Hold fast to what you already know, until more knowledge comes." This was my second learning moment, I testified to myself what I already knew. Which brought peace.
But my favorite thing he said was "It's about the INTEGRITY you have to your faith and what you DO know." The word integrity stood out to me more than anything I had read. Why did he choose the word integrity? I started to think about the things I had integrity for...my marriage, my daughter, those whom I work with, my friends, but most importantly my Heavenly Father.
In this moment of doubt, I had a choice. To continue the integrity I have in my Faith and to my Heavenly Father...or to leave it behind and focus on the things I do NOT know.
This experience taught me so many things, but most importantly I learned that Heavenly Father is aware of us and our hearts, he allows us to struggle and grapple with things without judging us, he LOVES us infinitely, he wants us to be happy, find joy and peace.
I believe that there will be many hard days ahead, many things that will make us question our faith, but I know that as we follow what Elder Holland instructed us to do, to hold to the ground we've already won and hol
d fast to what we already know...until the day that more knowledge comes....peace and joy and love will fill our hearts and our lives until that day of more knowledge comes. I am grateful for the opportunity to listen to our Prophet and Apostles this weekend to strengthen what I DO know and help me increase my faith on things I do not know or question.
Video of Elder Christofferson's explanation of original policy change: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEEMyc6aZms
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